Well, it turns out that today is National Autism Awareness Day, or something like that. (I'm not really sure- I was too busy taking care of my kids!) So, in honor of that I thought I would share a glimpse into what it is like living with a child with autism.
So today I put on some great piano music, All of Me by Jon Schmidt. I've got it playing on my playlist, so if you can't hear it, make sure your sound is on. It's very dramatic, exhilirating music. I put Alex up on the counter and told him I wanted him to listen to this piano music. He listened quietly for a count or two and then wrapped his legs and arms around me and said, "Dance!" So we proceeded to hop, jump and twirl around the kitchen together, his arms wrapped around my neck and his legs holding tight. As the music really picked up he threw his head back, closed his eyes and laughed and smiled as we twirled around and around. He kept saying, "I'm dancing!" It was pure, unadulterated joy. When he started to slip and needed a boost up, he would say, "Help your bum?" Our kitchen may not be that big, but we really made our way around. At the end of the music, when I thought my arms and legs were going to give out, I sat him on the counter to rest. He quickly pressed the buttons on the cd player to start the music over again, wrapped his arms around me and said, "Dance, Mama!" So around we went again. He looked like the poster child for happiness. He wanted to do it a third time, but I was about to pee my pants and I knew my arms were done for.
I have a few moments from Alex's life that are imprinted on my memory and are as clear as the day they happened. When he rode an elephant, trying to do the hula to the Lilo and Stitch music, riding one of those trains that's pulled by a riding lawnmower, him standing in the middle of one of those huge parachutes that you play with as kids, with his head sticking up the middle and kids all around the sides shaking the parachute up and down and making the balls bounce all around his head. I remember that last one so clearly. It was at the ward potluck and it was outside in the summer. The evening sun was shining right on him and he was sooo happy and excited and all the kids around the edges were loving it as much as him. Today was another one of those moments, locked away forever in my memory. That smiling face, eyes closed, head back, loving every moment.
When Alex was born I knew he was special. Every kid is special, but I knew that he was meant to come to our house. I have had doubts so many times, but I always remember how that felt when he was born. That I knew he was supposed to be with us. Sometimes I wonder if we are living up to what we are supposed to do for him, but in the end you just have to do the best you can. When he wasn't even four weeks old we had him in bed with us in the morning, just playing with him, and I, mostly joking said, "Alex, are you happy to be here with us? If you are, give us a sign." His face erupted into the biggest smile we had ever seen! His whole body was smiling and wiggly! He couldn' t have spoken more clearly if he talked. I think Heavenly Father gave us some moments like that with him before he was closed to us a little bit.
But after all the ups and downs, with a lot of downs, the best thing I can say that we have done is that Alex is still Alex. He loves life and nothing that happens to him or around him stops him from being himself. (Sometimes that can drive you mad!) He is the most sincere, genuine person I know. He never filters himself for others, for better or worse, and truly enjoys happiness. I have learned to cherish moments now, rather than just moving onto the next thing. I love dancing with him. I love listening to the same song for the 6th time, just because it has a great guitar intro. I love seeing life through his eyes occasionally. And I love seeing him, the real him, in those eyes, too. Every once in a while it comes through, and I know that someday I will be in awe and wonder when I find out what kind of person I had the priveledge of having as my son on earth.
So, there is a moment with autism. There are hard times, too, but I think I will let them go and only use up the limited space in my memory for moments like today. They're really the only times that count, anyway. 
6 comments:
I love the story about Alex and you dancing! Especially the "help your bum" part. All the stories are fun to read, actually. You put what it's like living with Autism very well, except for the parts where the cousins are scared he's going to hurt them! He looks so happy in his pictures. I like the one of him going to school. Ooooh, and I like the music! We need some happy piano music over here. Although we love Jim B. his music his is often a little bit sad.
Thanks for telling us about Alex! You told it so well.
Awwwww, I love Alex... (as I wipe the millionth tear after reading this post). That was such a good post. You're a really good, funny interesting writer. I wish you would write a book about your life as a mom, or life with an autistic child, or something. I know it would be a bestseller. This post made me remember watching Alex grow up. He's soooo hard to handle sometimes, and then other times he's the sweetest little kid who's just happy to wear his Spiderman costume. I remember when he was just a baby and I would babysit him, I would twirl and dance with him until he'd fall asleep. He has always looooved to be danced around the room (although now he's getting so tall I can barely pick him up!).
Well anyways, someday when you have time, you'll have to write that book. :)
God has blessed you with the insight and wisdom to know how to love Alex. Love thinks of the long-term best good for another, and you have done that with him. You have kept his spirit alive, while teaching and guiding him. You have wrestled with an angel, and it can be so exhausting that you have to let Heavenly Father take over so much of the burden; your life has to make room for someone larger than life in Alex. That's a lot to do.
How you and Danny have managed to preserve Alex and his sweet nature, amid the chaos of autism, is something I can't figure out, but there it is. He is a rowdy, sweetly affectionate, wholly original and entertaining kid, with a great love for Jesus and Santa Claus.
I'm so grateful that he came to your family!
I absolutely love the pictures of Alex, especially the last one.
And I love how you wrote about your moments with Alex. You have managed to capture magic, and I wish the sound was working on my computer, so I could hear that music!
That is one of the most amazing posts I have ever read. I don't think I knew that Alex has autism. But I remember when he was born and he was such a little flirt with me every time I came over. He always had this sly smile and was so adorable. I could picture so vividly that scene in your kitchen, and with that song playing in the background, I. . .cried a little. Isn't it amazing to realize how much Heavenly Father trusts you to bring someone as amazing as Alex into your family? You are awesome!
Beautifully written, very emotional and real. Thanks for sharing. I am glad you have a blog finally, so we all get better glimpses of how brilliant, articulate, funny, and human you are. The image of you and Alex dancing is a sweet one, we all need to dance a little more.
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